I am the Autistic Ostrich

I am the Autistic Ostrich… Here is what is wrong with me!

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Okay so guess who was empowered by me seeking mental health treatment when I explicitly didn’t ask for it? It was not me the sexual assault victim who bravely moved on. It was not me the victim of amnesia who can’t count on their family. It was my ex, it was my family and it was my old job.

In this essay I am going to outline the stuff I don’t want to talk about on a usual basis. This way people can understand that mental health is not a 1 size fits all solution. In fact if you look in to my record at Quinte Health where I see a counsellor usually, it actually wasn’t supposed to be the solution at all. Why wasn’t this the solution?

Self-Esteem Questionaire:

  1. Do you like yourself as you are? No, what has given me the reason to like myself as I am? The fact that I am smart. Yet my Dad still agreed to have me verify my sexual assault in his separation. The fact that every boyfriend I have ever had has taken control or insulted my mental health. Yet I just keep hoping to fall in love. Yep I am the damaged one. Barely functioning 5 ft 9 rape victim Ashton Deroy takes the blame again. I might of scared people including family & even Kaylib Drury. I will take full blame for that. Do they take full blame for what they do? The fact that there is no Multiculturalism in our family so I am sad. The fact that I am a target for argumentation and debate. Or the fact that I require help from family that I do not receive.
  2. Should people be relatively grateful to have me in their lives? This is what makes mental health such a dumb and worthless occupational field. People either demonstrate they appreciate having you around. Or they do what Liam Hennessy did the entire time I dated him and gaslight me, calling me crazy and screwed up! I was actually approached by Liam Hennessy and asked to charge a person he claimed sexually assaulted him. Even though I never had that same experience.
  3. This is me yesterday lost in my own mind and struggling to get family help in the rain.
  4. If I didn’t know me? I’d think I was okay. No I wouldn’t think I am okay. I am a gay bash victim, a victim of mental manipulations and a rape victim. If I didn’t know me… I would see me behaving how I do and according to popular opinions. I would think I was and I quote “Still fucked up!” Liam Hennessy in regards to special needs people. (By the way I have never called Liam Hennessy out for abusing me. The rush is exhilarating!”)
  5. Growing up was I given the feeling that I properly deserve to exist? Does your Step brother Shane Fraiser repeating the phrases “Sped!” , “Retard.” & “Kill yourself” count? Sarcasm (Entertainment for stupid people) >> If so I was totally given the right to exist.
Meryam Haddad Sustainability Girl

The only idea I would agree to traumatic anxiety wise. After gay bash, after rape and after manipulative torture. I need hugs but they aren’t going to be found anymore because Kaylib Drury left and he was the only person I wanted them from. I need to enjoy cake with my friends… Even though I have brutally transitioned by routine so many times I don’t know who they are anymore. I want to enjoy arts & culture with Ashley…  I don’t believe in a better future because I have never been shown properly the possibility of one.  The proof is in how I got mental help. I was dumped and had all my stuff moved to the Napanee Police. I had seizures in the rain yesterday and still wanted to talk to Kaylib Drury because I missed him.

I get my passive aggressiveness tested even though I said not to because if aggressiveness is triggered I won’t be able to stop it. So I try to be passive and nice hoping that someone will take that for what it is. The fact that I want to learn, love & be cared for. However, I keep getting told somehow… Some way!!! The answer is going to be in seeking psychological help. I am happy to be where I am because I no longer trust the people I am supposed to love.

I have no culture anymore… I have no home… I have no lighter… I have no weed… Why do you think I would choose this help willingly? I have nothing to go back to when I am done. Furthermore I am of the opinion that ODSP is a crutch for families who don’t want to better their financial wellbeing and force independence on self-identified interdependent autistic people with poor self-regulation. This isn’t the help I need. It is the help being forced on me. That is what my mental health professionals told me a long time ago when I self-submitted complex trauma .

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